Aquarius
Murphy's Law lurks near. Secondary backup suggested. Avoid bungee jumping this week.

Pisces
Police bring helpful advice. It is not a good time to demonstrate radical pancakes. New career opportunities arrive at your back doorstep sometime between noon and one-fifteen. You have about the same chance of finding a large bag of money abandoned on the street as you did the day before yesterday.

Aries
Donuts might be made to fit into manila envelopes, but that doesn't mean you should mail 'em.

Taurus
Take time to explore yourself (preferably in private). Few opportunities present themselves to borrow lawn furniture.

Gemini
The "Get-a-Life" nerd factor prevails in Gemini this week. In recognition of this fact, allow me to state the rest of this horrorscope in Klingon: "Jon-jho! Aht! Cho-sheu-chochunk- Ka-tcha dorg."

Cancer
Listen carefully: Stuff an envelope full of money and send it to Harry's Horrorscopes.

Leo
Check all tires, brake lines, and other critical engine parts. If for no other reason than the fact that you drive the same model car as Sammy "The Goat" Corelli (who has the kind of 'associates' that….well, let's just say it's not only for convenience that Sammy has a hired bodyguard start his car each morning.)

Virgo
Change is in the air….so stop taping dimes to helium balloons. Discover reassurance in the fact that socks fit one foot just as well as the other.

Libra
The majority of events occurring on the planet over the next 24 hours has remarkably little to do with you or your life.

Scorpio
Excitement in the air! That tingle atmosphere you feel promises adventure. However, many mosquitoes are flying as well, so try to be prepared.

Sagittarius
Sorry about that mix-up last month. Occasional clerical mistakes DO happen, even to the best of us. We here at Harry's Horrorscopes acknowledge the danger and consequences of contradictory astrological forecasts and regret any unforeseen effects. Special apologies to Mr. & Mrs. Clarence Hatley of Wiliamsburg, PA and their unfortunate pig farm. However, our disclaimers are clear.

Capricorn
Speak in rhymes all day and soon enjoy that long-sought tranquility. Invite controversy. Embrace bakery products and safeguard Velveeta.