ClassiFakes

	APTS. FOR RENT
Modest 2-bdrm. Refs. Req. 1st, 2nd, last, & 2nd to last months + deposit ($17,000). Avail. imm. Tired of exorbitant rent rates? Economy studios available. Many styles to choose from, crafted from the highest quality large appliance boxes available. Cash & Carry only. Room for rent: $150/month. Strict landlord. No pets. No smoking. No loud music. No cooking in room. No visitors allowed. No wearing shoes inside. No TV noise, radio racket, loud voices, talking or arguing. No parties. No fraternizing, mischief, bringing in outside food, no drinks or beverages, no....aw, just forget it.	Roommate needed to share 1976 Ford Econoline Van. Rent + 1/2 utilities (propane bottle for portable stove). Sleeping bag, back bumper and shotgun seat privileges included. Wanted to rent: small studio or apt. Single professional (big band drummer). Been looking for weeks! 555-0999. Wanted to rent: Middle European gentleman looking for temporary residence while current home undergoes remodelling. Out-of-town location preferred. Looking for large castle/mansion, preferably crumbling, dark, and mist-shrouded. Quiet basement a must. Vlad at Box 213.	2 bdrm, 2 bath completely furnished (Early American Garage Sale) Turquoise appliances! Lots of Formica and wood-grain veneer. Charmer! 555-1212. Nice 1 bdrm, 1 1/2 bath home. No pets/No smoking. No spitting or cussing. No lip or back talk. No stereos, TVs, or other electronic devices with speakers. Curtains/window shades negotiable.
	HELP WANTED
Male Fat slob needed for blind date practical joke. Pays $20 + doz. donuts. Refundable if romance blossoms. Well established sushi restaurant seeking toad wrangler/fish scaler. Competitive starting wages DOE. Director of Activities needed to join our team at Eden’s Doorstep Nursing Home. Joyful heart and compassionate spirit req’d. No mean-spirited sports or programs involving pyrotechnic materials. Call LouAnne at 555-1212 Experienced FRAMER wanted imm. for framing crew. Full-time, temporary. $12+/hr. Must be able to smoothly lie, point fingers, and fake injuries and/or disabilities. Occ. perjury required. Prev. felony records OK. Note: apps regarding anything to do with PICTURE FRAMING or HOME BUILDING will be rejected outright.	Big Kid needed. Pays $7.38 for 1-time contract. Duties include intimidating Timmy O’Brien who is a big fat mean bully. Contact Shawn Johnson, 555-1212, or c/o Mrs. Winterton’s 6th Grade Class, Southside School (weekdays before 3pm). Auto Parts Tech needed imm. Part-time, night shifts only. Must be skilled with vehicle disassembly, painting, Exp. w/luxury, high-class and exotic cars/SUVs preferred. Apply in person, "Bill", Bayside Wharf, Pier 16, Midnight-3:00 a.m. OTR drivers urgently needed. No CDL license required. Top rates, low miles, Sign-on bonuses and longevity bonuses awarded. GREAT health/accident insurance! See Eddy at Eddy’s Dynamite Express Co.	Pepper Picker. P/T, seasonal through August. Must be able to pick up to one entire peck per day. Send resumes to: Penny Parker, Personnel, Peter Piper, Inc. Wanted: Husband. Strictly P/T and on-call only. Previous plumbing, carpentry or electrician exp. helpful. BANK TELLER. Full-time. Ten-key test. Previous experience required in all teller duties. Apply at 3rd National Bank. This time around, references REQUIRED and CHECKED! Large uncommunicative BRUTE needed for department store complaint dept. A great position for the right brooding, bullheaded person. Pick up apps at any location, Daisy Variety Shoppes.
	ClassiFakes Display Ads
Click here for a three page sample of ClassiFakes Display Ads - in .pdf format. We'd be happy to send you an envelope full of printed samples. If you'd like a sample, please send us an e-mail with your name, title, the organization you work for, and so forth. Send us an e-mail! [ Up ] [ ClassiFakes ] [ Dear Miss Info ] [ Display Fakes ] [ Harry's Horrid Horrorscopes ]